Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i think i have two assholes
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
