Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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