Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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