I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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