If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
