Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
