I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
this hospital has no fireball
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
