Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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