Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
