either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
