Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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