Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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