Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
