May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
