so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
