This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
