Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
