my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
