your parents love me but you hate me
you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
