the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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