You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
