i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
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