GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
