yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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