final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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