Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
