In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
