Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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