i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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