i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
