I didn't shave. On purpose
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
