Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
