Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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