So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
