Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
