im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
