hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Randomize
