i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
