just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
