Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Only a mothe r could love this liver
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
