I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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