She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
