i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
