why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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