I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
