don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
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