I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
that is very illegal...i love you.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
