His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
where am i from again
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
