I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
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