Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
