I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
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